He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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