so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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