I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I need to sanitize my soul.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
