Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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