I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
