Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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