Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
