if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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