I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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