im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
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She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
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It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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