I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
as a side note pls kill me
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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