Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
