is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I am available for nakedness
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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