so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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