Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
he's gonorrhea incarnate
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
