woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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