If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
