The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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