Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
