Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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