There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
