i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
