Moan for me like Helen Keller
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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