Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
