I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
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