Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
