My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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