For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
