Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
