Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
