SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
