8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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