I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
