im six kinds of drunk right now
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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