Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
