First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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