1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
