i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
