I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
