I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
