There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
