I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
