i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Life is so much better after having sex.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
