My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
