I just threw up on my dentist
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
