I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
