Betty ford says i'm here all night
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
