You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
