I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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