True but thats because hes a fetus.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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