so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
