so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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