I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
