Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
