My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
