Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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