I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
