doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
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i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
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He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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