i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
