You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
