Kareoke will never be a sober sport
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
