I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
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I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
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I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...