If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack