you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
