So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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