It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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