what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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